The Hidden Messages We Give Our Children

Newborn

What we say: “You can cry all you want; I’m not going to pick you up again!”

What we think: “This is breaking my heart, but all those experts can’t be wrong.”

What the child thinks: “They don’t love me. They don’t care about my suffering. Mommy is perfect, so there must be something wrong with me. I must not be worthy of anybody’s love.”

What we say 20 years later: “What on earth do you see in Tom? How can you let him treat you like that? Don’t you know you deserve better than that?”

Infant

What we say: “No more nursing. You’re too big for that now!”

What we think: “I’d like to continue, but I can’t stand all this criticism from my relatives.”

What the child thinks: “I’ve just lost the most important thing in my life: the long periods of cuddling and the food that felt best inside me. I must have done something terrible. I must be a terrible person.”

What we say 20 years later: “Why are you drinking so much?”

Age Two

What we say: “You can’t come into our bed anymore. You won’t be lonely. Look, here’s a nice big teddy bear to keep you company!”

What we think: “Grandma thinks there’s something wrong with having you in our bedroom. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s more important for us to please her than to please you. Anyway, this teddy bear should make you happy.”

What the child thinks: “It isn’t fair! They get to cuddle with a real person. They don’t know me very well. They don’t care about my feelings. Oh well, at least they gave me this bear.”

What we say 20 years later: “I know you’re upset that Tom broke off with you, but is that any reason to overcharge your credit card like this? Will all this stuff make you feel better that someone left you? When did you become so materialistic?”

Age Four

What we say: “You know you’re not supposed to hit your brother! I’ll give you a spanking you’ll never forget!”

What we think: “There must be a better way to handle this, but it’s what my dad did, so it must be right.”

What the child thinks: “I was so upset with my brother I hit him. Now Dad is so upset with me for hitting, he’s hitting me. I guess it’s okay for adults to hit, but not for kids. I wonder what I should do when I get upset? Oh well, one of these days I’ll be an adult myself.”

What we say 20 years later: “A barroom brawl? Adults don’t hit people just because they’re upset. I never taught you to resort to violence!”

Age Six

What we say: “Well, this is a big day for you. Don’t be afraid. Just do everything your teacher says.”

What we think: “Please don’t embarrass me by acting up at school!”

What the child thinks: “But I’m afraid! I’m not ready to leave them for so many hours a day! They must be getting tired of me. Maybe if I do what the teacher says, they’ll like me better and let me stay home.”

What we say 20 years later: “What?! Your friend talked you into taking drugs? Do you do what everybody else tells you to do? Don’t you have a mind of your own?”

Age Eight

What we say: “Your teacher says you aren’t paying attention in class. How will you ever learn anything important?”

What we think: “If my kid never amounts to anything, I’ll feel like a failure.”

What the child thinks: “I’m not interested in the things the teacher talks about, but I guess she knows best. The things that do interest me must not be important.”

What we say 20 years later: “You’re 28 years old an you still don’t know what you want to do with your life? Aren’t you interested in anything?!”

Age Ten

What we say: “You broke another dish? Oh, never mind. I’ll wash them myself.

What we think: “I know I should be more patient with you, but at least this way the dished will get done.”

What the child thinks: “Boy, am I clumsy. I’d better not even try to help anymore.”

What we say 20 years later: “You want that job but you won’t even apply for it? You should have more faith in yourself!”

Age Twelve

What we say: “Go out and play with your friends – You’ll have more fun with them than hanging around here all day.”

What we think: “I know I should spend more time with you, but I’ve got so much to do. It’s a good thing there are so many kids around here.”

What the child thinks: “I want to do things with Mom and Dad, but they’re always too busy. I guess my friends like me better.”

What we say 20 years later: “You never call us or come to see us anymore. Don’t you care about our feelings?”

Age Fourteen

What we say: “Please leave the room, dear. Your father and I have something personal to discuss.”

What we think: “We have some secrets we’d rather you didn’t know about.”

What the child thinks: “I’m not really part of this family.”

What we say 20 years later: “You’re in prison?! Why didn’t you tell us you were having problems? Don’t you know there are no secrets in families? We tried so hard. Where did we go wrong?”

"Parents are often so busy with the physical rearing of children that they miss the glory of parenthood"

"Parents are often so busy with the physical rearing of children that they miss the glory of parenthood, just as the grandeur of the trees is lost when raking leaves." --Marcelene Cox

3D/2N Cameron Highlands Getaway

Strictly speaking, one night was spent on the coach. So it’s not as long a holiday as it sounded.

Our stay was at an apartment, complete with a kitchen, a living room, two toilets, a bathtub, complete with a Victorian style outer building appearance.

It was a little rush, and we wished we could take it slower; the café in the tea plantation, overlooking the hills of tea shrubs was worth another good hour. But instead, we were given only 45 minutes to savour it all.

~ We finally reached! ~

~ In the van, getting ready for our tour ~

Cameron Highlands Getaway: Sungei Palas Tea Plantation

Photographs do it no justice at all; one would need to be present there physically to take it all in, the rolling hills of tea plantations, wow, and such a contrast from the concrete jungle Singapore.

~ At the tea plantation ~

~ Enjoying a cup of tea at the Ummph Tea shop ~

~ Does his glance tell you that he adores his sister? ~

~ What kind of pose is this? ~

Cameron Highlands: Our Apartment

In the hotel near to our apartment, we saw a real fire-place, burning with logs from rubber trees. And the kids got all excited. It’s our 1st time too, a real fire-place. How would Santa come then? Would he get burn?

~ The fireplace ~

~ The street where our apartment is on~

~ Our living room ~

Cameron Highlands: Strawberry Farms

A must isn’t? The kids dashed for this before our coach leave the next morning.

~ See his excited contented smile ~

"The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids."

"The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids." -- Jill Bensley

No wonder Mummy Eliz is not pregnant.

Tales of Old Singapore by National Museum

A 2-hour workshop by the National Museum of Singapore, our group outing was made possible by Carol, so special thanks to her.

Princess had a great time, thanks to great companionship from Reine, and Prince had a good nap outside, this being the first outing he had with his arm casted.

At the end of the day, Princess came back with a pop-up card about Sang Nila Utama, and some tales of pirates long ago.

~ She volunteered and was one of the ones holding the cloth ~

~ Spot her? ~

~ Group picture ~

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist."

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." -- Michael Levine

That's why, on the job training is just as important for careers as it is for motherhoods. And that's why Mummy Eliz reads alot, in an attempt to always try her personal best.

Prince’s broken bones; fell from monkey bars

Probably all kids have to go through this, Princess Chelsea also had a cast during her Nursery years, and now it’s Prince Christian’s turn.

But it’s a bad fall, bones were fractured, sedation had to be given for the bone straightening procedure to be carried out. And he’s babying a cast since 16 October, now it’s 8 November, and the cast is still on.

Long recovery road ahead.

~ In pain ~

~ The X-ray ~

~ After the sedation ~

"There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep."

"There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Love On-board the Singapore Flyer

Mummy Eliz hopes, that Princess and Prince will remember that they had loved each other so deeply, unconditionally when they were little.

Of course, there are the occasional squabbles, but taking a step back, especially when looking back in hindsight, and from the evidence present in photographs, the sibling love is there.

~ Nice ~

~ Nice, and very nice ~

~ She’s sooo lovely ~

"Of all things love is the most potent.”

"Of all things love is the most potent.” --Maria Montessori

World War II History Fun Day - Homeschooling Activity

This is a joint collaboration effort of some 40 mummies, and the theme this time round is World War II. Our previous themes were Singapore, China, and Egypt etc.

And here’s how it goes, each mummy setup a station, which includes hands-on activities for the kids, and in 2 hours, the kid gets to choose which station to visit.

Each station activity probably will take 10 minutes, and of coz, the aim is to make it a memorable activity, rather than to rush to complete all the stations.

Mummy Eliz worked on Evacuation and a mock-up of an Anderson Bomb Shelter used during WWII with Auntie Anju, and the kids got to make a diary of their own, after listening to Anne Frank, and also weight out some rice and chocolate.

~ Anne Frank station ~

~ Weighing out rice ~

~ Anderson Bomb Shelter ~

"A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child."

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child." -- Sophia Loren

2D/1N Batam Harris Resort Getaway

Well, we aim to attempt something different on every trip, so as to provide a stimulating growing up experience for the kids, but Batam Harris really disappoints us to a certain extent. We wanted to try flying fox, but it was under maintenance. Team building events was only for corporate bookings.

Maybe the expectations were high, thus accounting for the disappointment. The in-house Dino Kids Club was just an old stale-air smelling room, with contented staff repeating the same job scope day in day out.

To the kids, well, it’s the best kids’ play room, as at certain timings, sand play was incorporated, and fishing at the pond nearly was facilitated. So, it’s definitely an issue of different expectations.

~ My pirates ahoy! ~

~ A sweet pose!

And while the little ones were fishing, Daddy and Mummy had the chance to explore the surrounding areas on bicycles.

~ Looking confused ~

~ Fishing in action~

~ Feeding the fish afterwards ~

"Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children;"

"Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories." -- John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester

Takashimaya Toy Fair 2011

Mummy Eliz believes, when kids have imagination, and a great sibling, toys are just additional tools to enhance the make-believe experience. Princess and Prince hardly get new toys, usually just on birthdays and Christmas, so it’s an extra bonus, extra icing on the cake for them.

~ With their new toys ~

"Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them."

"Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them." -- Lady Bird Johnson

Sport On! Kids Club - Abseiling

It was supposed to be a challenging guts draining experience on a Canopy Walk, but due to communication issues, the height limit limitation was not being communicated out, so instead of a very challenging time, it was just, but never-the-less, a good experience on absailing, still enough at least to stimulate some brain cells.

~ Getting ready to take the plunge ~

~ Slowly, steadily ~

~ Prince rushing over to welcome Princess ~

Sport On! Kids Club - Fencing

Sport On! Kids Club offers a great chance for developing young bodies and minds to be exposed to various kinds of sports, as the belief is there that the earlier a child is exposed to sports, the higher their acceptance level, and also their risk appetide.

So here's our 1st try, very enjoyable attempt indeed at Fencing.

~ On-guard, Extend ~

~ Getting ready ~

~ Who's the winner? ~

Baskers' Festival at Sentosa

Sentosa is our famous island getaway, and touted as Asia's favourite Island Destination, so of course, when it held the Baskers' Festival, we were there to give our support.

~ Captain Palawan's favourite crew! ~

Austin Hills Golf Resort

Can a boy fly? Yes, see the evidence below.

~ Flying in action ~

~ Getting ready for a second jump ~

Reflection time: Double Standards???

When a child demands, she's called bossy.
When a parent demands, she's called firm.

When a child yells and screams, she's 'out of control'.
When a parent yells and screams, she's exasperated and tired.

When a child doesn't answer, he's called rude.
When a parent doesn't answer, she's called busy.

When a child isn't satisfied, she's called spoiled.
When a parent isn't satisfied, she's called discerning.

When a child is angry, she's 'out of line'.
When a parent is angry, she's justified.

When a child hits, society calls her violent and aggressive.
When a parent hits, society calls it 'discipline'.

--Lu

When we can acknowledge and address our double standards, we might stop seeing our kids as so different from us, and realize we are all made of the same tissue, the same needs, the same longings, the same wounds, and the same neurobiological need for attention, empathy and connection. When we take down our walls, we see each other's hearts... ♥♥♥

Day out with Daddy at the Games Arcade

And only to the arcade, would Prince Christian be willing to go with Daddy, without Mummy’s presence.

Boys will forever be boys.

~ A great smile ~

2D/1N Bintan Agro Resort Short Getaway

On hindsight, this looks like an overly ambitious experience.

Thankfully, all ended up well despite the initial jitters.

Our latest trip brought us to Bintan Agro Resort, and keen for something new, we signed up for snorkelling, snorkelling with 2 young ones, who had just very recently mastered swimming.

~ Princess with her snorkel set ~

~ Her being dumped into the waters ~

~ Daddy giving her a hand ~

White Sands Island; where time stood still

After about 1.5 hours of snorkelling, we were brought to an island, White Sands Island, no my memory is failing me, the fact is, we snorkelled to the island at our own pace.

We felt as if we owned the island, there was no one there except us, and the kids can self-entertain for a good 2 hours there. Over there, time stood still. No rush, no rush.

~ A mini jetty ~

~ Upon reaching the island ~

~ Just sand and water for child’s play ~

Gathering at Fiona’s at Sunrise Gardens

It’s been a while, almost 1 year 3 months since we met up with Princess Chelsea’s old playgroup friends; they had known each other through an online Catholic Playgroup when they were slightly old a year old.

Mummy Eliz enjoyed their company, every single one of them, and the kids, they just get along so well.

Courtesy of Auntie June, here’s some nice shots, Prince Christian is the one in blue, constantly after a balloon, Princess is the one in pink top. Of coz, the shots mainly feature Tong Wei, Auntie June’s lovely daughter.

~ Nice Montage; Chelsea 1st picture 2nd row ~

~ Happy Mood; Christian in the middle after a balloon ~

Worst news to bring ref the dreaded P1 registration

Yi Xuan’s mummy will not be reading this blog; she’s not an internet addict.

But gradually unnoticeably, over the last 3 years, despite the differences in educational background, career proficiency etc, our families had gotten to know each other pretty well, as we shared similar parenting beliefs and styles.

Yi Xuan had also been a true friend to Chelsea, and by that, Mummy Eliz meant respect, no intentional hurtful words etc.

In the current hectic city life, many kids, especially those who did not enjoy a secure attached relationship to a pivotal parenting figure, probably due to their undeniable feeling of insecurity, tend to like hurting others verbally in order to gain some sense of supremacy.

If the above paragraph makes no sense to you, it’s some weird kind of logic that is in force and in most instances, the kid might not be even aware of it.

So, when Mummy Eliz had to help Yi Xuan’s Mummy attend the Phase 2B balloting, and to bring the dreaded news to her, it’s with a heavy heart.

Come next year, despite best efforts, Yi Xuan would not be attending the same Primary School as Chelsea, that’s really bad news. Probably it’s for some reasons that we cannot comprehend yet, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Terracotta Warriors: The First Emperor & His Legacy

One would need a trip to Beijing to complete the whole experience, Mummy Eliz felt.

He would be remembered even 1000 years down the road, his motives would be debated on again and again, there would be those who condemned him, and those who at least appreciate the fact that he made lots of contributions to the development of China.

So when ACM brought in this exhibition, how could we miss it for anything?

Probably, the kids’ understanding of it all was superficial, but it’s ok, as long as they had fun, it’s all right.

~ With Joyce Jieh-Jieh, troubling her non-stop! ~

Prince's Christian Marriage Arrangement

Prince Christian “Mum, I'll give Dad my Batman Tshirt when I’m 10 years.”
Mummy Eliz “Why does Daddy need your T-shirt?”
Prince Christian “He said I can marry you if I give him the T-shirt.”
Mummy Eliz “Did he really?”
Princess Chelsea “Yes, Daddy did.”

KTM Railway Walking Route, fm Holland Rd to Bukit Timah Station

Weird isn’t it, when it’s going to be around, it’s usually taken for granted, when news was out that it’s going to go, it became the ‘In’ weekend trip.

But that’s human nature isn’t it? So one fine morning, with our dearest friends, we went on a KTM Railway Walking Route, fm Holland Rd to Bukit Timah Station.

For most part of the 2.3 hours walk, Prince Christian had a special transport service provided by Daddy Tiong, he enjoyed better air, better scenery, and Daddy Tiong ended up with sore shoulders.

~ Prince’s special transport ~

And guess what, Prince’s take-away from this trip is the understanding finally of what a fallen log looks like, I guess, in a normal city neighborhood, it’s pretty hard to get a chance to show that to a kid.

~ Princess on a log ~

~ Prince on the same log ~